The Perfect Product

There's a lot of hype in advertising.  There's a lot of hype in the marketing of sports cards.  But if you step back and think about it, cards live up to a lot of the hype.  They're practically the perfect product.  If there weren't all those league and player association logos on the back, and all that fine print, they might have room for stuff that means a lot to other products.  Look at all these features!

Even the Kellogg's cards - which came inside cereal made from wheat and other grains - have never contained a smidgen of gluten.  There's no gluten in trees or plastic.

Well, maybe the card that was packed up against the stick of gum might technically have some residue, but it wasn't an ingredient of the cardboard, right?

From the beginning, it's been all about plant products.  Tobacco leaves and wood pulp for card board.  What could be more natural?  Ok, maybe the occasional acetate card is an exception...

As Nick of Dime Boxes... fame found out first hand, cards may be tasty to the dog, but probably hold no nutritional value at all.  Maybe there's a little fiber in older cards...?

Some of the players depicted have been under suspicion of modifying their chemical constitutions, enhancing their hormone and endurance levels, but even they haven't genetically modified themselves.  Some custom cards are modifications of real ones, but that doesn't count either...

Not only are cards dolphin safe, but there are actually cards of Dolphins!

Dozens of designer colors!

Thin & Compact for easy storage!

Reminds me of an old George Carlin bit:

Get some now! Everybody has one! They're almost gone! They're portable, lightweight, easy to use, collapsible, convenient and guaranteed! Get some now! The new Super Jumbo Deluxe! Handy, pre-wrapped, designer colors and available in all sizes! Get some now! They won't rust, tarnish, blister, crack or peel....